Dear Samuel Taylor Coleridge,
Damn you and your infuriatingly complex poems. Why must there be forty-seven translations of The Rime of the Ancient Mariner? Why is the mariner's journey not a short trip to Ireland? Why does your stupid prose gloss complicate things? WHY ARE YOU A ROMANTIC POET??! Even Google agrees that Romanticism is 'one of the most complex literary movements in history'. WHY?
And, by the way, we all know you were doing illicit drugs, and not anodyne, when you wrote Kubla Khan! HA! Caught in the act! I'm GLAD that person from Porlock interrupted you while you were writing Kubla, otherwise I would have three hundred more lines of unintelligible poetry to dissect whilst trying to write a half-formidable essay of a few thousand words. Didn't you, while you were in one of your moments of 'spontaneity', stop to think of the poor, hassled students later who would potentially write essays on your poems a few centuries later who might be suffering??
You should be ASHAMED! The pain and trouble you are causing us is irreversible. My mind is forever scarred with lines of your poetry. So much so that I will myself, by the force of my uncontrollable primary imagination, erratically shout lines of your poems.
"In Xanadu did Kubla Khan decree..." NOO!!
No regards and very unsincerely,
~ Hurley Who
